I’m a _______.

I am a human. Or at least I thought I was. There are so many ways to identify yourself. What really matters is how you do that. If you identify yourself as a monkey you will get pretty close to achieving your goal. You will probably have people thinking that you actually something that you are not. The same thing happens when you identify yourself as something like a loser. If you believe that everyone thinks you’re a loser pretty soon that becomes reality. Projecting those feelings of self-hatred on other people sends them signals that they are unaware that they’re even reading. What I’m saying is, you must start thinking of yourself as what you want to be, not what you think you are. If you think yourself as an achiever of your wildest dreams, you’ll soon be living them. See I’m kinda writing this as a reminder to myself too. I just had a great conversation with one of the beautiful young ladies in my clarinet studio this evening. We are both a little frustrated about our playing and others perception of us as clarinettists. Honestly, I believe that I’m not really perceived as a good player or a serious musician. I’m not sure if she felt exactly as I do, but through that conversation I started to realize why I may be perceived as an okay but not that great musician: Because I truly believe that myself. Everyone who is a leader is not great at it. People are constantly lead astray by terrible leaders. But one thing all bad and good leaders have in common is that they all believe that they are good leaders. The moment they convinced themselves that they could they convinced all of their followers. I think I may just take a leaf out of their book. Today I rid myself of all my insecurities so that I can start to believe that I’m good at what I do. Soon enough, it might come true ❤

Peace and Love 

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Why I married an acquaintance…

At 18 most of us face many big decisions, brought on by the world and it’s expectations of us. Everyone has a unique way of reacting to this sudden rush of control that most are not used to having. Choosing a career path is something everyone does whether they make a move or not. Deciding against deciding is a decision in it self. Anyway, I consider a career choice to be on the same level as marriage.

As a bride-to-be one is faced with the hopeful prospects of building a life with who she knows (at the time) to be the one for her. She has spent some amount of time building a relationship, and it will never stop growing. She will spend a considerable amount of time (whether she continues to like it or not) with her significant other, and if they decide to part ways, it will be dramatic, no matter how civil the separation is. Everything I just said can also be said about committing to a career.

My engagement to music education began late in my junior year of high school. It’s weird but it was kind of just a sudden moment full of emotion. I suddenly just knew without a doubt or deliberation that it was going to happen. To keep my analogy going, I had just gotten engaged to a total stranger at best. Being in band at a high school with a mediocre music program does not mean you really know the profession. I did know something….I had the example of only a very few music educators because I lived in the sticks and I just had never been out. My band director was an awesome educator, and she elevated the program a lot in the very few years that she was there. If I had been through my high school a few years earlier I would have had even harder of a time getting started.

I really honestly knew nothing of what I was getting myself into, but I’m so glad I did. The more I learn, the more I love. The more I teach, the more I yearn for the degree that will seal the deal making us eternally intertwined and me more qualified to do my thang. The more I work, the more I know that nothing worth getting is easy to get, and that the fun is in the struggle. So yeah, I’m getting hitched you guys! The date is set for sometime in June 2013 (We pushed the date back a little because we think we need another year to get to know each other…)

Are you engaged to an idea, being casual with a few or flirting with the prospects?

Peace and Love!

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I’m back!

It’s easy to blog in the middle of the summer when you have not a damn thing to do. However, during the semester that does not happen. I fell in love with blogging this summer and posted almost daily, but as soon as the semester and all the chaos it brings hit me, it was really easy to put off my new hobby. Anyway, short story shorter….I’m back!

I have so much to talk about that it was hard for me to choose a topic to write on, but I’ll just go with what’s heaviest on my heart right now. Music, music, music. It is extremely difficult for me to even put into words how close the entity that the word music represents is to my soul. However, I’ll do my best to break it down: I’m excited about the fact that I will be going into a career path that will never be that  profitable. I’m excited to hear criticism on my musicianship daily. I know that on my instrument and as a musician in general I have YEARS  of work to do do to even touch the level of musicianship I want to profess….And none of this bothers me because I’m signed on for life.

Having a bad day or a bad week musically can bother me some but I bounce back quick because I know that this is a lifelong journey with no defined ending. I do know that the day I die, I want to have played clarinet. I know that I want to be the best musician I ever was when my spirit leaves my body and I hope to have spread as much of the music in me to the next generation as possible. It’s not about me; it never will be. I am a vessel in which everything I learn shall be held and I need to get it all to as many people as possible.

If I perform a piece the objective is not for anyone to think I am  good. No, no, no. I perform to bring a composers work to yet another audience. I perform to aquire new skills so that some day I can pass them on. I perform for my own enjoyment because it is so fun to be in the moment and pour your heart into something. Music is close to me, and I am deeply inspired by it in so many ways. To be in music school is to be in heaven for me because even if I never get to play a first clarinet part or play Beethoven as a clarinetist in the orchestra I am one of the few who get to fully experience the music. I am surrounded by such talent and so many opportunities to experience my love that I cannot complain. What a lucky life I live.

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Writing, Loving and Music…kinda random

Life is such an AMAZING journey. I love every minute of it, and I try so hard to live by the principles I believe in.

Love everyone every minute.

After a long time of considering others and considering myself, I’ve found that I can’t hate other human beings. How can I do such a thing. Most unpleasant interactions I have are with people who are having a hard time or just don’t care about being personable. Hey, whatever, to every man his own. Also, even if someone has unreasonable hate toward me, they got it from somewhere and me returning the hate will just solidify theirs even more. No one is perfect, and I am not by far, but at least trying to give love with every breath can bring one closer to a much better existance.

Writing it out

Woah…I’ve said it like one hundred million times on this blog, but I’m just realizing this wonderful fact. Writing is so theraputic. What a drug, what a drug. It is not immediate I’m starting to realize, but it does work. When I wrote my last post I was pretty upset, but only a few hours after I felt great! All I did was write two poems and read a bunch of other poems and blog posts. Writing is one of the best ways out that I’ve found to date and it also helps you work through your problem, unlike drugs.

Music gives life a soundtrack

Music has been a huge part of my life for majority of my life. I play my clarinet and I love it. I don’t really play it enough, but I want it to be a big part of my life. I’ve really come to the point where progress isn’t going to just happen, I need to make it happen…and I will.

So to end this random post I will share the other poem that I wrote when I was sad.

The search is still on

Over the years
my life has been blessed
As a result of this predicament
my face is graced by a constant adornment

The teeth, so white, attest to my privileged life
in a society where even the poor live well

The width tells the onlooker of my positivity,
of my love of life and my responsibility.
I have made it my duty to share my smile
because it was given to me for public utility

Those who know me see it everyday
it brightens their lives in so many ways

I’m smiling right now,
but in contrast to what I said
This smile is only here because of mere habituation
Sadly it is just a mere fabrication

I want it back,
and I want it now
but I don’t know where to look
I barely know how

I know the culprit
who stole and hid my smile
but to find where he put it is taking a while.

I looked to myself
it was not there
I looked to self assurance
but found it nowhere

I thought, maybe it’s under self pity and laziness
but all I found was stupidity and craziness

I wanted to see if it could be in the struggle
I found traces of it
but I know the search is still on.

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Cut the stupid shit…

We all need somebody…

College became a lot more difficult for me my second year. Emotionally, I couldn’t do it. The work isn’t actually hard at all..just time consuming. This summer as I reflect I realize that I needed help. I needed help that I waited for and never received. This is totally fine, nobody is my keeper and I do not expect anyone to follow me around and kiss my boo-boos. In the future, however, I fully intend to be the keeper for as many people as I can handle because there is such a disparity between the amount of time people spend gossiping about each other and the amount of time people spend trying to be there for someone who obviously needs a friend.

I have friends. Many very deeply appreciated friends, but I am just really getting settled into the group of friends that I currently spend my life with. This school year I really didn’t have anyone to go to for the most part. The terrible part was that I didn’t even know what was wrong. I still can’t exactly pinpoint it but I think it was my version of depression. See, I’m an extremely happy-go-lucky soul. I go with the flow and try to be the peace maker. Only in my extremely rare moments of weakness (which I am extremely embarrassed of) have I even said anything bad about anyone. I don’t see a reason for it. I always put on a face for other people because I don’t like to spread misery. I retreat to cry and I complain only when I am too lazy to do something about something I see as an injustice. In long, I’m saying that anyone who knew me this year would not think I was depressed.

So it is not surprising that I did not get the help I needed…How would anyone know to reach out if I seemed fine. My grades plummeted, however, and I’m sure my teachers think I’m on drugs or something. I now know how it feels to be that person. I know how it feels to physically be unable to get out of bed. To be so intimidated by the challenges and frustrations of a coming day that I just can’t make myself for anything get out of bed and instead just beat myself up and cry about it a little later. I want to be the other person. I want to be the person who calls that girl just to see what’s up instead of talking about her behind her back and saying how she never comes to class. In my small department there is so much gossiping about really stupid shit(excuse me). Why would you gossip about how that guy is never in tune? (I’m a music student for those who don’t know) Are you being serious? Are there hidden cameras or do you just really have no life…just tell him he’s out of tune so he can fix it. Two people were talking about me behind my back saying how I wasn’t strong enough on first. Thanks for telling me before the concert. So and so never practices…I am so done with it. From now on I refuse to even allow anyone to do that crap around me. It’s not your business whether or not someone has problems, but you can make it your business to help them out of the hole they’re obviously in.

I believe it is better to ignore the haters. When you find out someone is talking about you behind your back don’t confront them…Give them a rose telling them something nice about his or herself. This is definitely a hard route to take. I did this for my clarinet studio and people blew my valentines way out of proportion. One girl who I knew was talking about me furiously at the time went out of her way to tell everyone that I apologized to her about something I had said. I did nothing of the sort and how immature. It took a lot of strength not to say anything, but I decided I didn’t care. Anyone who would believe that is obviously not my friend. I think out everything I say, and I hate it when people take back stuff they said..so why would I? Ignore the haters, the gossipers and the nobodys… They mean nothing to you and they definitely mean nothing to me.

From now on I will strive to abolish hate from my life. What about you? Could you stand to do a little less hating and a lot more loving?

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My outlet…

I can’t do another post without talking about my current life partner. Nameless and faceless, I spend a great chunk of my time thinking about this hunk of wood.

To My Clarinet

You are there for me no matter what I do or how good of bad of a musician I am. Even when I ignore you, you still seem

mrjaysmusicroom.com

to love me, though you don’t play as well. Your sound is so rich, deep and dark. Your earthy tones remind me of myself and our time together. The things we do when we’re alone, only for us and not the next performance, are beautiful. The music we make when we are alone is so much better even though it’s a lot of fun with an audience. Once the nerves left it became quite liberating. To you clarinet who helped me find me. To you my beautiful R13 who helped me find God. To you my carefully constructed piece of wood with silver plated keys who helped me find love. I will always love you for that.

Love,
Keyara

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