Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

I’m back!

It’s easy to blog in the middle of the summer when you have not a damn thing to do. However, during the semester that does not happen. I fell in love with blogging this summer and posted almost daily, but as soon as the semester and all the chaos it brings hit me, it was really easy to put off my new hobby. Anyway, short story shorter….I’m back!

I have so much to talk about that it was hard for me to choose a topic to write on, but I’ll just go with what’s heaviest on my heart right now. Music, music, music. It is extremely difficult for me to even put into words how close the entity that the word music represents is to my soul. However, I’ll do my best to break it down: I’m excited about the fact that I will be going into a career path that will never be that  profitable. I’m excited to hear criticism on my musicianship daily. I know that on my instrument and as a musician in general I have YEARS  of work to do do to even touch the level of musicianship I want to profess….And none of this bothers me because I’m signed on for life.

Having a bad day or a bad week musically can bother me some but I bounce back quick because I know that this is a lifelong journey with no defined ending. I do know that the day I die, I want to have played clarinet. I know that I want to be the best musician I ever was when my spirit leaves my body and I hope to have spread as much of the music in me to the next generation as possible. It’s not about me; it never will be. I am a vessel in which everything I learn shall be held and I need to get it all to as many people as possible.

If I perform a piece the objective is not for anyone to think I am  good. No, no, no. I perform to bring a composers work to yet another audience. I perform to aquire new skills so that some day I can pass them on. I perform for my own enjoyment because it is so fun to be in the moment and pour your heart into something. Music is close to me, and I am deeply inspired by it in so many ways. To be in music school is to be in heaven for me because even if I never get to play a first clarinet part or play Beethoven as a clarinetist in the orchestra I am one of the few who get to fully experience the music. I am surrounded by such talent and so many opportunities to experience my love that I cannot complain. What a lucky life I live.


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Life is such an AMAZING journey. I love every minute of it, and I try so hard to live by the principles I believe in.

Love everyone every minute.

After a long time of considering others and considering myself, I’ve found that I can’t hate other human beings. How can I do such a thing. Most unpleasant interactions I have are with people who are having a hard time or just don’t care about being personable. Hey, whatever, to every man his own. Also, even if someone has unreasonable hate toward me, they got it from somewhere and me returning the hate will just solidify theirs even more. No one is perfect, and I am not by far, but at least trying to give love with every breath can bring one closer to a much better existance.

Writing it out

Woah…I’ve said it like one hundred million times on this blog, but I’m just realizing this wonderful fact. Writing is so theraputic. What a drug, what a drug. It is not immediate I’m starting to realize, but it does work. When I wrote my last post I was pretty upset, but only a few hours after I felt great! All I did was write two poems and read a bunch of other poems and blog posts. Writing is one of the best ways out that I’ve found to date and it also helps you work through your problem, unlike drugs.

Music gives life a soundtrack

Music has been a huge part of my life for majority of my life. I play my clarinet and I love it. I don’t really play it enough, but I want it to be a big part of my life. I’ve really come to the point where progress isn’t going to just happen, I need to make it happen…and I will.

So to end this random post I will share the other poem that I wrote when I was sad.

The search is still on

Over the years
my life has been blessed
As a result of this predicament
my face is graced by a constant adornment

The teeth, so white, attest to my privileged life
in a society where even the poor live well

The width tells the onlooker of my positivity,
of my love of life and my responsibility.
I have made it my duty to share my smile
because it was given to me for public utility

Those who know me see it everyday
it brightens their lives in so many ways

I’m smiling right now,
but in contrast to what I said
This smile is only here because of mere habituation
Sadly it is just a mere fabrication

I want it back,
and I want it now
but I don’t know where to look
I barely know how

I know the culprit
who stole and hid my smile
but to find where he put it is taking a while.

I looked to myself
it was not there
I looked to self assurance
but found it nowhere

I thought, maybe it’s under self pity and laziness
but all I found was stupidity and craziness

I wanted to see if it could be in the struggle
I found traces of it
but I know the search is still on.

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“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have you ever gotten a rejection letter? Have you ever been wait listed or set back from doing something you wanted to do?  I know I have. This morning I woke up to a phone call at 8:20 am from my sister saying…”Keyara, I got in.” If you know anything about college admissions you might be looking at your watch thinking, hold up…it is July 1st right or am I trippin? Yeah, it is but Keyana was rejected for admissions to VCU.
  1. You are afraid of failure so you settle for something that is not your dream. Keyana was heartbroken when she did not get in. I was her college admission support hot line and resident know-it-all so she called me about everything. She handled the letter a little differently than anyone I’ve ever known to even get wait listed.  She wrote a thought out and sincere thank you letter to admissions expecting nothing in return. She had already failed in her own eyes anyway. When she was informed of the second review process, she was in: She did not care that she would have to wait until July for a decision even though she was accepted to other colleges.
  2. You believe the nay sayers. We all have them. Keyana has come a very long way grade wise. When she asked my parents for $50 for the initial application fee, my parents told her that they did not have money to waste. I yelled at them of course…But how did she have so much strength to go on when her own parents didn’t even want to waste the money on the application fee? She didn’t believe them, and that’s why my mother was crying today because she was so proud of her daughter for making something happen that she didn’t even think possible.
  3. You think that there is a such thing as impossible. This is the downfall of a lot of people. I try to tell people that there is no such concept. It used to be impossible for humans to fly and you were a crazy person for even thinking it. Someone had to believe without a doubt in their mind that it was possible before it could happen…I know my ass wouldn’t have been on that first ever flight. I don’t mean no harm. Everything that you see today is something that was dreamed up by someone who didn’t know and didn’t even care to know the definition of impossible. What do most people think when they see a rejection letter: I didn’t get in. They may think to transfer but I know people believe in their minds that it is impossible to go this year. My sister believed that it was possible to change the minds of the VCU admissions officers; and she did.
  4. You think about the negative side of the situation only. Some people think, if I start rollerskating I might fall and I hate hospitals. So they never try. July is a little late to be making college decisions. If you have ever been through the college admissions process you know: It is rough. From before January to around April you have anguish and plans in the air. It is the greatest feeling in the world to finally know where you are going. Try still not knowing where you are attending school about 2 months before attending. I was wait-listed, so I know the feeling, but I can’t pretend I know how it feels to wait until July. She had to have the vision and determination to visualize the possibility of getting in to actually make it. She got a personal call from admissions this morning and they all know and love her now. How many valedictorians, drum majors and head cheerleaders do you think they know personally or even remember? Probably none to be honest because college is a whole new world.  I can’t count on my hands how many of my friends were drum majors. I can’t count on one hand how many of my friends were valedictorians. I literally will be here for days naming off all of my cheerleader friends.
  5. You don’t truly believe in your dream. You have a duty to yourself and everyone else who may be affected by you carrying out your dream. Believe in something that is not yet real. Birth the dream into reality. Dreams are not just dreams, but realities that are not yet born. It takes much effort and much work to bring a dream to life. But you have to take that first step: You have to believe it is real. If your mother did not believe she was pregnant with you and thought, oh lord I’m really putting on weight, she would not have had the will to do the things that pregnant women do. She had to believe in her heart that your life was important and worth her being burdened for up to nine months. Don’t kill your dream before it has a chance to live because it is not something that the human race can afford to lose. We take so many losses each day, but if Americans believed in themselves just a little more we might just start catching up with Japan.
Dreams are not just something little contrary to popular belief. Dreams are things that have to be pursued day in and day out. If you have a dream, why are you just sitting there? Get off your lazy ass and start blowing peoples’ minds!

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So today is the beginning of a short series of posts dedicated to the people that contribute to the product that is me. Every person in the world…No matter what his or her circumstances may be has had someone contribute to their well being and success. I have never heard of such a baby that can feed itself in infancy, or a child who can teach his or herself to read. I have never achieved anything in my life on my own. Instead every accomplishment that I make will be a culmination of the efforts of countless investors. These investors all put much of their non-renewable time into the bank of my life hoping for not a return on the investment but a better final product. So to give up on myself or have any kind of self doubt will be wasting not only my life and potential, but the efforts of everyone who ever went out of their way to help me get to where I am. That’s not something I am willing to waste…it’s too valuable and it’s not even mine to waste.

I don’t believe any of these people read my blog unless I tell them to, but if you are one of the people I write about it wont be anything new…I’m very emotionally expressive and I tell most people how I feel about them…sometimes too much 🙂

Who contributes to your success and well being? Can you afford to waste their contributions?

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We all need somebody…

College became a lot more difficult for me my second year. Emotionally, I couldn’t do it. The work isn’t actually hard at all..just time consuming. This summer as I reflect I realize that I needed help. I needed help that I waited for and never received. This is totally fine, nobody is my keeper and I do not expect anyone to follow me around and kiss my boo-boos. In the future, however, I fully intend to be the keeper for as many people as I can handle because there is such a disparity between the amount of time people spend gossiping about each other and the amount of time people spend trying to be there for someone who obviously needs a friend.

I have friends. Many very deeply appreciated friends, but I am just really getting settled into the group of friends that I currently spend my life with. This school year I really didn’t have anyone to go to for the most part. The terrible part was that I didn’t even know what was wrong. I still can’t exactly pinpoint it but I think it was my version of depression. See, I’m an extremely happy-go-lucky soul. I go with the flow and try to be the peace maker. Only in my extremely rare moments of weakness (which I am extremely embarrassed of) have I even said anything bad about anyone. I don’t see a reason for it. I always put on a face for other people because I don’t like to spread misery. I retreat to cry and I complain only when I am too lazy to do something about something I see as an injustice. In long, I’m saying that anyone who knew me this year would not think I was depressed.

So it is not surprising that I did not get the help I needed…How would anyone know to reach out if I seemed fine. My grades plummeted, however, and I’m sure my teachers think I’m on drugs or something. I now know how it feels to be that person. I know how it feels to physically be unable to get out of bed. To be so intimidated by the challenges and frustrations of a coming day that I just can’t make myself for anything get out of bed and instead just beat myself up and cry about it a little later. I want to be the other person. I want to be the person who calls that girl just to see what’s up instead of talking about her behind her back and saying how she never comes to class. In my small department there is so much gossiping about really stupid shit(excuse me). Why would you gossip about how that guy is never in tune? (I’m a music student for those who don’t know) Are you being serious? Are there hidden cameras or do you just really have no life…just tell him he’s out of tune so he can fix it. Two people were talking about me behind my back saying how I wasn’t strong enough on first. Thanks for telling me before the concert. So and so never practices…I am so done with it. From now on I refuse to even allow anyone to do that crap around me. It’s not your business whether or not someone has problems, but you can make it your business to help them out of the hole they’re obviously in.

I believe it is better to ignore the haters. When you find out someone is talking about you behind your back don’t confront them…Give them a rose telling them something nice about his or herself. This is definitely a hard route to take. I did this for my clarinet studio and people blew my valentines way out of proportion. One girl who I knew was talking about me furiously at the time went out of her way to tell everyone that I apologized to her about something I had said. I did nothing of the sort and how immature. It took a lot of strength not to say anything, but I decided I didn’t care. Anyone who would believe that is obviously not my friend. I think out everything I say, and I hate it when people take back stuff they said..so why would I? Ignore the haters, the gossipers and the nobodys… They mean nothing to you and they definitely mean nothing to me.

From now on I will strive to abolish hate from my life. What about you? Could you stand to do a little less hating and a lot more loving?

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A Pleasant Transformation

Going to my hometown has its benefits. My two little brothers are a great part of my life. Kaleb(5) is so creative and talkative. He just finished his first year of school! We’re so proud. Kwintin(3) is sweet and lovable. The huge age gap makes it hard for me to always be there for them since I am starting my own life right now. They turn me into a motherly type when I’m home though. I’m silly but stern with them. I try to see them as much as possible, and I think about them daily.

Kwintin’s Father’s Day Surprise

Me and Kwintin(3)

So we’re wrapping the fathers day gifts for my dad and grandpa. We got a DVD player for my grandpa and a stereo for my dad. I noticed that Kwintin was being rather quiet..never a good sign,  so I started calling for him. My grandparents were down stairs and my dad was in he kitchen. Hearing no response I called down the stairs

“KWINTIN!!”. No answer. I call again, “Is Kwintin downstairs?”

“Yeah, he’s down here!” called my grandpa.

Kwintin immediately comes walking back up the stairs toting the DVD player that we didn’t even know was missing… He only thought he was doing the right thing, he heard us say it was for grandpa so he took it to him. All is well however, because my grandfather didn’t know it was for him, so it was funny when he opened it later.

Conceited Kaleb

The day of my sister’s graduation she, my mother and I along with the boys went to Cato’s for some last minute shopping. Kaleb and Kwintin were running buck wild throughout the small department store. Luckily most of the other patrons and the employees were very nice and just found my brothers hilarious rather than annoying. I was able to keep Kwinin occupied a majority of the time, however, by giving him the task of finding arms and heads for the poor mannequins….”They need our help!” I

Kaleb(5) and I

told him. “Do you see any arms behind that skirt?” “Nope. I don see no arms back there” He said shrugging his shoulders and moving on to the next display.

Kaleb did not go for this game. He kept running around and bringing me items, “Keyara, you can have these Keyara.” He ran into the dressing room area at one point and was in love with the three way mirror. A woman emerged from the dressing room dying laughing.

“I saw him in the mirror” she said. “He said ‘Hi handsome’ looking at himself!”

What a conceited little thing…I wonder where he gets that from?

Do you think we are born with our personalities or do we gain them over time….nature vs. nurture?

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Just so you know, I have aliases for all of my friends on this blog. Last night, the Eagle and I stayed up all night planning our next shenanigan. We both have pretty big dreams always, but I noticed something very important last night while we were all excited. We complete each other. Now the way I am talking about all of these boys, some might start thinking I have too many romantic interests. 😉 However, I love without restraint, and I do not have a romantic interest..haven’t for a year.

Back to the story: I am a person who heavily believes in dreams, no matter what. Dream big, dream hard. The eagle, however, is a lot more practical when it comes down to it. He believes in having dreams, but get stuff done first. We were just talking last night, and he told me about a dream he has, but for down the road in the future. It is a big project, that I will tell you about later, but no too crazy…it is the Eagle we’re talking about. I interjected and said “Why don’t you do it next summer?” and presented one way to execute it. He bit. We were planning so much last night. Alone, neither one of us would do something so huge. I have huge dreams all the time, and even though I believe in them, I never follow through. The Eagle is all follow through, so with my spark of belief and his pragmatism, we are on our way to a successful project. Right now I’ll just tell you it has to do with our shared love of teaching.

I post this to share with everyone the fact that there are many people who can complete you in many ways. Partner up with someone who has your weaknesses as strengths and conquer the world!

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