Archive for June, 2010

Unlike my imaginary boyfriend who saves me from wierdos, my boo was real. He still is real, he’s just not my boo anymore. One of my very best friends became more than that and we were an item for a year. We’re still friends, just don’t tell my imaginary boyfriend…he’s a jealous one.

Do you know that person who has perfect timing and perfect motives? That’s him. He cared about me more than anything and his motives with me were totally pure. I’m more than lucky that he came into my life at the time he did. We learn so much from every relationship in our lives, no matter how long or short, romantic or not. This one, however, was a little more impactful than others. I learned a lot about me and he gave me so much confidence in myself.

If I wanted to go somewhere, we went there. If I thought a bad thought about myself, I was totally wrong, and he would list the reasons why. We talked on the phone for hours and hours every single night. The best thing about us was that we were friends first, as I think it should always be. We were friends for four years before we even thought about each other that way. This was the first real love that I experienced and it shapes the way I feel love should be experienced. I seriously believe that a good romantic relationship should just be friends with benefits. I always thought of us that way.

This will be probably one of the only times I’ll talk about my feelings on romantic love. I think it’s beautiful and I love for anyone to get a chance to experience it. However, I strongly feel that right now the human race is too stingy with the “L” word. I like to talk more about the love of yourself, your life, friends and family. Love shouldn’t be reserved for someone you have a romantic agenda with…it should be for everyone you know. If we all just gave a little more love to each other we might have a shot at something close to world peace…As Ghandi said: Be the change you want to see in the world. I fully intend to be. 😉


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So today is the beginning of a short series of posts dedicated to the people that contribute to the product that is me. Every person in the world…No matter what his or her circumstances may be has had someone contribute to their well being and success. I have never heard of such a baby that can feed itself in infancy, or a child who can teach his or herself to read. I have never achieved anything in my life on my own. Instead every accomplishment that I make will be a culmination of the efforts of countless investors. These investors all put much of their non-renewable time into the bank of my life hoping for not a return on the investment but a better final product. So to give up on myself or have any kind of self doubt will be wasting not only my life and potential, but the efforts of everyone who ever went out of their way to help me get to where I am. That’s not something I am willing to waste…it’s too valuable and it’s not even mine to waste.

I don’t believe any of these people read my blog unless I tell them to, but if you are one of the people I write about it wont be anything new…I’m very emotionally expressive and I tell most people how I feel about them…sometimes too much 🙂

Who contributes to your success and well being? Can you afford to waste their contributions?

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We all need somebody…

College became a lot more difficult for me my second year. Emotionally, I couldn’t do it. The work isn’t actually hard at all..just time consuming. This summer as I reflect I realize that I needed help. I needed help that I waited for and never received. This is totally fine, nobody is my keeper and I do not expect anyone to follow me around and kiss my boo-boos. In the future, however, I fully intend to be the keeper for as many people as I can handle because there is such a disparity between the amount of time people spend gossiping about each other and the amount of time people spend trying to be there for someone who obviously needs a friend.

I have friends. Many very deeply appreciated friends, but I am just really getting settled into the group of friends that I currently spend my life with. This school year I really didn’t have anyone to go to for the most part. The terrible part was that I didn’t even know what was wrong. I still can’t exactly pinpoint it but I think it was my version of depression. See, I’m an extremely happy-go-lucky soul. I go with the flow and try to be the peace maker. Only in my extremely rare moments of weakness (which I am extremely embarrassed of) have I even said anything bad about anyone. I don’t see a reason for it. I always put on a face for other people because I don’t like to spread misery. I retreat to cry and I complain only when I am too lazy to do something about something I see as an injustice. In long, I’m saying that anyone who knew me this year would not think I was depressed.

So it is not surprising that I did not get the help I needed…How would anyone know to reach out if I seemed fine. My grades plummeted, however, and I’m sure my teachers think I’m on drugs or something. I now know how it feels to be that person. I know how it feels to physically be unable to get out of bed. To be so intimidated by the challenges and frustrations of a coming day that I just can’t make myself for anything get out of bed and instead just beat myself up and cry about it a little later. I want to be the other person. I want to be the person who calls that girl just to see what’s up instead of talking about her behind her back and saying how she never comes to class. In my small department there is so much gossiping about really stupid shit(excuse me). Why would you gossip about how that guy is never in tune? (I’m a music student for those who don’t know) Are you being serious? Are there hidden cameras or do you just really have no life…just tell him he’s out of tune so he can fix it. Two people were talking about me behind my back saying how I wasn’t strong enough on first. Thanks for telling me before the concert. So and so never practices…I am so done with it. From now on I refuse to even allow anyone to do that crap around me. It’s not your business whether or not someone has problems, but you can make it your business to help them out of the hole they’re obviously in.

I believe it is better to ignore the haters. When you find out someone is talking about you behind your back don’t confront them…Give them a rose telling them something nice about his or herself. This is definitely a hard route to take. I did this for my clarinet studio and people blew my valentines way out of proportion. One girl who I knew was talking about me furiously at the time went out of her way to tell everyone that I apologized to her about something I had said. I did nothing of the sort and how immature. It took a lot of strength not to say anything, but I decided I didn’t care. Anyone who would believe that is obviously not my friend. I think out everything I say, and I hate it when people take back stuff they said..so why would I? Ignore the haters, the gossipers and the nobodys… They mean nothing to you and they definitely mean nothing to me.

From now on I will strive to abolish hate from my life. What about you? Could you stand to do a little less hating and a lot more loving?

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Why can’t I go to the grocery without event? Now I am not going to lie to myself or anyone else and say I’m drop dead gorgeous, but I am downright cute. Not that you have to be cute to be hit on by these losers that prey on young girls in Richmond. You just have to look like you’re probably a girl. Anyway on the way to the grocery store today I decided to listen to a few episodes of my favorite motivational podcast on the way to the store. I can’t give you money if I can’t hear you…Well as I walk I notice in my peripheral vision a shadow closing in on me. I’m in the broad daylight in a pretty public place so I’m not afraid just annoyed at what I know to be coming.

I see a figure come up beside me and I just keep walking as if I’m so into the podcast I can’t see or hear anything around me.

“Hey” I hear a muffled vice coming from the figure. I continue to listen to my podcast.

“Hey” he says again, and I know I can no longer ignore him. I slowly remove my headphones and look at him.

“My name’s [I don’t remember] what’s your name?” he said holding out his hand for me to shake it. I looked at it and really felt snobby for a second because I did not want to shake his extremely dirty hand. I decided to be nice and shake it…there are new convenient hand sanitizers at the entrance of Kroger.

“Keyara” I said.

“You got a boyfriend?” said the guy. I actually don’t but I’ve been taught by my friend who I will refer to as the bunny to just say yes.

“Yes” I said and without another thought the boy walked away. I was like well dang!  That really works. So I replaced my headphones, and continued on my way to the store. I love my imaginary boyfriend…he saves me from so many unwanted conversations! Also, the headphones don’t work because on the way home a bum yelled at me until I took them off and asked me for the change that I do not carry so he could buy “food”. I’m just too nice…normal people just keep walking.

How do you handle unwanted bums/guys bothering you when you’re just trying to walk down the street?

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Motivating others and myself has been something that I’ve always tried to be pretty good at. Of course motivational speeches, articles and sayings always get you pumped up, but it always wears off. I have had it happen to me time and time again but in my recent emotional healing I have found out a few ways to keep the motivation flowing.

  1. First of all, whatever you are trying to get motivated about should be something that really gets you pumped or just something you really like. This will make everything else a little easier.
  2. Don’t be so negative about motivational books, speeches, whatever…I read the best thing I could have ever read a few weeks ago. It said: You must be relentless and focus on your dream every single day. The famous motivational speaker Zig Ziglar says, “Some people say motivation doesn’t last. Neither does a shower. That’s why you do it every day.” This is a quote from the article Insure Your Dream Part 3 on http://laserfocusedmotivation.com/insure-your-dream-part-3/
  3. Believe in yourself and your dreams 100%. You can’t count on someone else believing in you. If they do, great but you have to know that it will happen.
  4. Let God do the rest. That doesn’t mean do some and know that God is going to magically finish it for you. Work as hard as you can knowing that you have him to give you that extra when you run out.

That’s my bit for today. Stay focused on your dreams…and if you don’t have any…Why not?

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A Pleasant Transformation

Going to my hometown has its benefits. My two little brothers are a great part of my life. Kaleb(5) is so creative and talkative. He just finished his first year of school! We’re so proud. Kwintin(3) is sweet and lovable. The huge age gap makes it hard for me to always be there for them since I am starting my own life right now. They turn me into a motherly type when I’m home though. I’m silly but stern with them. I try to see them as much as possible, and I think about them daily.

Kwintin’s Father’s Day Surprise

Me and Kwintin(3)

So we’re wrapping the fathers day gifts for my dad and grandpa. We got a DVD player for my grandpa and a stereo for my dad. I noticed that Kwintin was being rather quiet..never a good sign,  so I started calling for him. My grandparents were down stairs and my dad was in he kitchen. Hearing no response I called down the stairs

“KWINTIN!!”. No answer. I call again, “Is Kwintin downstairs?”

“Yeah, he’s down here!” called my grandpa.

Kwintin immediately comes walking back up the stairs toting the DVD player that we didn’t even know was missing… He only thought he was doing the right thing, he heard us say it was for grandpa so he took it to him. All is well however, because my grandfather didn’t know it was for him, so it was funny when he opened it later.

Conceited Kaleb

The day of my sister’s graduation she, my mother and I along with the boys went to Cato’s for some last minute shopping. Kaleb and Kwintin were running buck wild throughout the small department store. Luckily most of the other patrons and the employees were very nice and just found my brothers hilarious rather than annoying. I was able to keep Kwinin occupied a majority of the time, however, by giving him the task of finding arms and heads for the poor mannequins….”They need our help!” I

Kaleb(5) and I

told him. “Do you see any arms behind that skirt?” “Nope. I don see no arms back there” He said shrugging his shoulders and moving on to the next display.

Kaleb did not go for this game. He kept running around and bringing me items, “Keyara, you can have these Keyara.” He ran into the dressing room area at one point and was in love with the three way mirror. A woman emerged from the dressing room dying laughing.

“I saw him in the mirror” she said. “He said ‘Hi handsome’ looking at himself!”

What a conceited little thing…I wonder where he gets that from?

Do you think we are born with our personalities or do we gain them over time….nature vs. nurture?

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What is it about going back to my high school? My little sisters graduation was yesterday, so I am now in my home town of Caroline County, VA. It’s a lot more country than it sounds…believe me. In my neigborhood, the only options for internet are dial up or satellite. Satellite costs and arm and a leg, hence the declined frequency in posts. I braved the annoying sound, however, and waited ten minutes to finally be connected so that I could post today because I have so much to talk about.

 Growing up in a small town as an outsider is different. Unlike everyone else, my family moved here so we could grow up in a safer place, so I had no extended family here. You’d think that wouldn’t make a huge difference…Even though I started kindergarten here, I never really fit in. Elementary was fine, but once I hit middle school, it was all downhill.

What is it about being around anyone from my high school that turns me back into the self consious, shy and slightly negative shell of a human being that is plauged with social anxiety? Graduation was terrible and I was more negative that hour than I have been in the past two years. Even my darkest moment in college is better than one of my best days in high school. My college friends are all surprised and shocked to hear that I had no friends in high school. I don’t understand either…. I wasn’t a terrible person, and I haven’t changed…just grown.

Thinking back to high school is wierd. I’ve made two visits back to band, and everyone acts soo happy to see me. My sister said people at the high school stopped her all the time to say how nice I was and how smart….Why do people treat you so differently when you leave? I’ve even heard people who were “popular” say that I wwas pretty and destined for success. HWAT? (the h is not a typo btw) Why? That is my question…Why? Why did I have to go through four unhappy years of torture just to find out that no one really thought I was a loser or ugly? They just ignored me and made me think that…

Another thing that bothered me was the only really constant group of friends that I did have: Two girls who constantly put me down no matter what. I saw one at graduation and dissapointed myself by being slightly satisfied with the fact that one of them had gotten fat. I’m by no means like that, and I think it’s fine to have meat on your bones…Still it put a slight smile on my face.

Do you have similar feelings/stories about high school? Please share!

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