My Everything is Nothing

I love to blog!! It is my favorite new hobby. I know what you’re probably thinking….’Her last post was like a month ago!!’ This is all too true. This blog is a product of me looking inward and I have seen a new thing today. I have a hard time making time for the things that make me happy. I love blogging, but just fit it in here and there. This is a microcosm of what happens with all things I love. This leaves me wondering about what I can do to fix this because I obviously do not want this but it continually happens. I find myself happy lately. This is because although many of my favorite things are pushed aside for nothing really, I really enjoy peace above all things. Right now, although things in music school may be a little rough sometimes, my life proves to be a peaceful one. I have peace and I love and am loved by many. So why should I be unhappy. Still, no matter how much I don’t like to admit it…there is more to life than peace and love. Life is better with them, but boring and unfulfilled with only these things. What to do? I think I should just do!

Another thing in my life that is nothing to way more people than it is something is classical music. I was introduced by one of those classical piano favorite’s CDs for christmas in middle school. I had shown interest in music, and although my parents are not in music they saw no reason why I shouldn’t be. Classical music is dying and it is because of the attitude of its very few relatives. We all [classical musicians and its patrons]  marry it and believe that it is the greatest. We prove to be abusive spouses, however, because if we really loved it we would want EVERYONE to know about it. We instead keeped it locked up and revered only for an exclusive crowd that is dwindling in size. If classical music dies, so do I in a way….but I don’t have to worry because as long as I’m alive and the countless other people who feel the same way, it will live. But I would still like the world to share my love. I’m being beckoned by my actual relatives because it is Christmas eve after all! Merry Christmas everyone!

Peace and love

5 Reasons you’re probably not living to your full potential…

I look at the overall picture of what my life is slowly blossoming into and I’m happy. Knowing that (God willing) I have a lot of time to become the woman that I am meant to be, I let stress be something that I know about but have nothing to do with. It just makes my life a lot harder to live. When I am stressed I clam up and I do nothing. I let self-doubt run my emotions and my actions and I become a sinking ship…fast. So the only solution to this that I can see is to eliminate stress completely. No need for too much urgency, I know I’ll get there and I’ll enjoy the journey too.

So, getting on topic, I decided to write a list of why I, and many other people are not living anywhere close to their full potential. You know, many of us settle for the status quo, doing what has been done and what we’re told to do. Because we didn’t learn something in school, it is the school’s fault that we are so ignorant. I think these common attitudes contribute to our lack of originality. 

1. The path has always carved out for you. Now this I say for any lifestyle from living in the projects to in million dollar mansions. From things as literal as roads and pathways to things as general as lifestyles someone created it for you and generally we follow what we see. Just because we’ve had so many come before us does not mean we can’t sometimes tarry off of a pre-made path and do something unthinkable. Many of us settle for what is ordinary, which is fine, but I think it would do the world better if more of us stepped out of our comfort zones. Create a new path!

2. Failure terrifies you. Why has failure been made into such a negative thing? Failure is a prerequisite to success…an inciter of growth…the best way to learn. Why is it feared so? Many, including myself, don’t even try because failure is so frightening. What is even more frightening is the fact that failing to try is the worst type of failure. You get the same exact results as if you tried and failed except without the learning experience. So, cherish your failures, because each failure is bringing you that much closer to your next success.

3. People think. We all know this. Being intelligent beings, we love to contemplate situations before we actually get there. This is a wonderful feature in being human but it is also debilitating. Before even trying, one will speculate peoples reactions and make a decision based on his or her own speculations. ‘they will laugh at me…they will think I’m so dumb for entering that competition’ As one of my best friends puts it, good thing I don’t pay you to think….Just do it!

4. Life is hard. Life is filled with so many twists and turns. Everything cannot be predicted and no amount of research is going to tell you what your life will bring you next. We can only plan based on what we do know, prepare for the worst and hope for the very best. We get so stressed out about some things early on in life that seem so stupid and petty later. It is not extremely easy to deal with all the blows life is throwing at you (some more than others) and try to succeed in the way that you want. Don’t stress.

5. You can see. Those who are blessed with eyesight are afraid not to use it. If we can’t see it, it scares us and we need to see everything that’s going on. I’m tired of living some life prescribed to me by God knows who. I kinda just want to break loose and do something crazy. Why are so many afraid of the dark? Because they can’t see. We tend to be afraid of the unknown because we need to be in control. The unknown should excite us. Plus, in the dark, (unless you are handicapped in some way) you have four other senses. We seem to forget how many strengths we have. I mean this literally and figuratively…Every single one of us has plenty of gifts that we just ignore. We should instead explore our wonderful selves. There is no one else out there like you and no matter who you are….No matter what nationality….No matter how normal people may tell you you are, you are so special. You deserve to be appreciated mostly by yourself. You owe it to everyone else to love yourself enough to show everyone how awesome you are. Don’t be rude to people, you are taking away their chance to know you. Also, don’t be quick to anger, because the annoying things that make us all angry are usually kinda dumb.

Anyway, I kinda went off topic as many times as I went on topic, so I hope this writing exercise is beneficial to someone. And while on the topic of going off-topic, I don’t see anything wrong with overusing the word love because it’s about damn time it got overused. I wish everyone a wonderful and stress free week!

Peace and Love

 

What I wanna be when I grow up…

My little brother Kaleb and I

Ok, let me just start this off by saying I’m weird. I know it, so that makes it ok. As any normal person, I’ve changed what I wanna be 2045 times. I wanted to be a lawyer for a little while when I was young. I wanted to be an artist, a writer, an english teacher, a linguist….Finally, I have settled with a passion for a little while. I want to be a music educator, but that’s only half of it. I know for a fact that I want to be a mom. I know a lot of people have that in their plans for the future, but I feel weird as a 20 year old looking forward to raising kids. I absolutely adore children. I have had the opportunity this summer to babysit my toddler brothers all day for 3 days a week this summer while both of my parents worked…I loved every moment of it. I did have a few moments where I wanted to lock myself in a room (and them in a closet) but I generally can’t get enough of it.

So yeah. I’m kinda weird. It’s especially funny because I don’t even have a boyfriend…haven’t had one in a while. Watch me become an old maid with 55 cats.

Me and Kwintin(3 yrs)

On another topic, school is pissing me off right now. I’m doing much better, but the mid-semester I hate my life syndrome is getting me. I have really hit a brick wall when it comes to clarinet playing and I feel like climbing it is gonna be a bitch. I stress myself out too much and I don’t really get the right things done. Luckily, I have my students to keep me grounded, because without them reminding me why I’m putting myself through hell, I might have lost it by now. Being around children makes me so happy. I get all protective and mothery and it’s nice.  That’s all I have to say today…Hope everyone has a great Monday!

Peace and Love!

I’m a _______.

I am a human. Or at least I thought I was. There are so many ways to identify yourself. What really matters is how you do that. If you identify yourself as a monkey you will get pretty close to achieving your goal. You will probably have people thinking that you actually something that you are not. The same thing happens when you identify yourself as something like a loser. If you believe that everyone thinks you’re a loser pretty soon that becomes reality. Projecting those feelings of self-hatred on other people sends them signals that they are unaware that they’re even reading. What I’m saying is, you must start thinking of yourself as what you want to be, not what you think you are. If you think yourself as an achiever of your wildest dreams, you’ll soon be living them. See I’m kinda writing this as a reminder to myself too. I just had a great conversation with one of the beautiful young ladies in my clarinet studio this evening. We are both a little frustrated about our playing and others perception of us as clarinettists. Honestly, I believe that I’m not really perceived as a good player or a serious musician. I’m not sure if she felt exactly as I do, but through that conversation I started to realize why I may be perceived as an okay but not that great musician: Because I truly believe that myself. Everyone who is a leader is not great at it. People are constantly lead astray by terrible leaders. But one thing all bad and good leaders have in common is that they all believe that they are good leaders. The moment they convinced themselves that they could they convinced all of their followers. I think I may just take a leaf out of their book. Today I rid myself of all my insecurities so that I can start to believe that I’m good at what I do. Soon enough, it might come true ❤

Peace and Love 

Why I married an acquaintance…

At 18 most of us face many big decisions, brought on by the world and it’s expectations of us. Everyone has a unique way of reacting to this sudden rush of control that most are not used to having. Choosing a career path is something everyone does whether they make a move or not. Deciding against deciding is a decision in it self. Anyway, I consider a career choice to be on the same level as marriage.

As a bride-to-be one is faced with the hopeful prospects of building a life with who she knows (at the time) to be the one for her. She has spent some amount of time building a relationship, and it will never stop growing. She will spend a considerable amount of time (whether she continues to like it or not) with her significant other, and if they decide to part ways, it will be dramatic, no matter how civil the separation is. Everything I just said can also be said about committing to a career.

My engagement to music education began late in my junior year of high school. It’s weird but it was kind of just a sudden moment full of emotion. I suddenly just knew without a doubt or deliberation that it was going to happen. To keep my analogy going, I had just gotten engaged to a total stranger at best. Being in band at a high school with a mediocre music program does not mean you really know the profession. I did know something….I had the example of only a very few music educators because I lived in the sticks and I just had never been out. My band director was an awesome educator, and she elevated the program a lot in the very few years that she was there. If I had been through my high school a few years earlier I would have had even harder of a time getting started.

I really honestly knew nothing of what I was getting myself into, but I’m so glad I did. The more I learn, the more I love. The more I teach, the more I yearn for the degree that will seal the deal making us eternally intertwined and me more qualified to do my thang. The more I work, the more I know that nothing worth getting is easy to get, and that the fun is in the struggle. So yeah, I’m getting hitched you guys! The date is set for sometime in June 2013 (We pushed the date back a little because we think we need another year to get to know each other…)

Are you engaged to an idea, being casual with a few or flirting with the prospects?

Peace and Love!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I’ve been trying to figure out what to be for Halloween for months. I’ve gone from wanting to dress in drag and be a couple with my male friend, to being a sexy chocolate bar and then an angel. Finally, after all of that deliberation, I decided to be a clarinetist for halloween. Super legit, equipped with a practice room, music, reeds and a stand! It’s not exactly what I want, but I’m hoping that leaving myself out of some of the most fun parties of the year to practice can lead to more productive behavior. Since I have no one around to decipline me, I had to make the decision myself and with the amount of work I have to do, and the amount I still have to get done…I just don’t deserve to go out this weekend.

I have written plenty in the past on how frustrated I get with myself, but these feelings have not changed. In the areas of self discipline and productivity….I have a lot of growing up to do. Whatever though, it’s not a big deal. I just wish the semester could pause for me for just one sec while I get my life together. Time has been slipping through my fingers like sand and that shit is super infuriating! Anyway, by the sounds of the loud people outside of my window til 2am, Halloween in Richmond has been successful…I can only imagine what will happen tonight.

Was your halloween worth writing home about?

Peace and Love!

I’m back!

It’s easy to blog in the middle of the summer when you have not a damn thing to do. However, during the semester that does not happen. I fell in love with blogging this summer and posted almost daily, but as soon as the semester and all the chaos it brings hit me, it was really easy to put off my new hobby. Anyway, short story shorter….I’m back!

I have so much to talk about that it was hard for me to choose a topic to write on, but I’ll just go with what’s heaviest on my heart right now. Music, music, music. It is extremely difficult for me to even put into words how close the entity that the word music represents is to my soul. However, I’ll do my best to break it down: I’m excited about the fact that I will be going into a career path that will never be that  profitable. I’m excited to hear criticism on my musicianship daily. I know that on my instrument and as a musician in general I have YEARS  of work to do do to even touch the level of musicianship I want to profess….And none of this bothers me because I’m signed on for life.

Having a bad day or a bad week musically can bother me some but I bounce back quick because I know that this is a lifelong journey with no defined ending. I do know that the day I die, I want to have played clarinet. I know that I want to be the best musician I ever was when my spirit leaves my body and I hope to have spread as much of the music in me to the next generation as possible. It’s not about me; it never will be. I am a vessel in which everything I learn shall be held and I need to get it all to as many people as possible.

If I perform a piece the objective is not for anyone to think I am  good. No, no, no. I perform to bring a composers work to yet another audience. I perform to aquire new skills so that some day I can pass them on. I perform for my own enjoyment because it is so fun to be in the moment and pour your heart into something. Music is close to me, and I am deeply inspired by it in so many ways. To be in music school is to be in heaven for me because even if I never get to play a first clarinet part or play Beethoven as a clarinetist in the orchestra I am one of the few who get to fully experience the music. I am surrounded by such talent and so many opportunities to experience my love that I cannot complain. What a lucky life I live.

Summer is screaching to a hault!

What the heck!! I would swear on my mother’s life that summer just started last week if I didn’t know better…Why does time move so much faster than me? Fall 2010 is about to be the shit! I am sooo excited about getting back to school and being busy. Shopping, friends and classes!!! I even have a work study job this school year.

With a new school year I vow to bring a new attitude. I have never brought drama but I have decided to take it to a whole new level. If you are not a part of the solution, you’re part of the problem…I have always listened to people starting drama and share in conversations related to drama…NO MORE! If I smell drama, count me out. With that said the semester should be started with a positive outlook too. It’s so great to be starting fresh. I’ve spent the summer building habits that I need to be successful and now I’m ready. My clarinet and I are about to shut it DOWN! 🙂 That’s all for now, but I’d like to share a list with you.

This morning I shared in a writing activity with my friend A.J. We had to write a list of 20 things kids are better at than adults. Here is my list…

Kids are better @…

Imagining
Letting shit go
Making friends
Playing
Learning
Throwing temper tantrums
Showing emotion
Believing in themselves
Being creative
Conning people out of money
Being cute
Being in the present moment
Eating ice cream
Accepting the current life they lead
Inspiring
Being inquisitive
Gaining sympathy
Being tranquil
Beating the chicken pox
Smelling the roses

Peace and Love!!!

My Student

Today I have been trying to figure out how to deal with myself as a student. When learning new things, we are definitely our own teacher, and even when taking a class (especially in college) you have to connect the dots yourself. The teacher is only there to lay the dots out for you. This is kind of hard for a lot of people, including me sometimes because we live in a society in which spoon-feeding students in school is not only accepted; it is expected. If you assign a project that makes kids think outside of the box and the answer cannot be found by going into the index of some textbook it’s too hard and unreasonable. The terrible thing is that this is especially true in the 11th and 12th grade when ambitious student are fighting for every single point. Anyway, I digress. I am thankful to live in a society that provides structured education. 

Whenever one encounters something new, one must teach oneself. I am a terrible student to myself. I need detention everyday…luckily I am also a patient teacher. I am a teacher looking for new methods for my student. I care a lot about her success because she is me. She doesn’t seem to care about her own success, she’d be happy to just sit around and take in her surroundings for the rest of her life…Whatever. That’s all for now. 

A Strange Ailment…

Lately, I have found myself quite frequently wanting to write something but I can’t think of anything to write about. It’s not exactly writers block though, because I can write a lot once I have a topic…I’m not sure what this is. It’s not really bad; it’s actually good because it has me reading more for inspiration. I love my writing so much more when it was inspired randomly. Not by choice, but by necessity I take myself to a pencil or computer and relieve myself of the story I must tell. If I do not some literary bladder of mine might just burst. In the same sense I guess when I try to go when I don’t really have to, though there is something there It is not really much of anything. I think I just answered my own question…I love writing it out! So keeping with the oh so lady like analogy, reading for inspiration is like drinking a lot of water…pretty soon you are going to have something substantial to relieve yourself of. I think that I may just do that right now 🙂 Maybe that will be my next post!

Peace and Love!