Archive for July, 2010

I LOVE WRITING! It’s too awesome to put words to my emotions that were unintelligible. Now that I have started to write consistently I’m noticing a few patterns.

I am not the best speaker. I love to talk and everything, but it is sooo hard for my to convey many of my emotions out loud. It seems easy on paper. Also, my written vocabulary is probably double the size of my spoken vocabulary. I curse so much more when writing, and I use a lot of words that I didn’t even know I knew.

Does anyone else notice those types of things…I hope it’s not just me!


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Why should I be mad?

I’m sitting in my apartment reflecting, as usual. I love to do this for hours at a time really. I am never bored; my mind and I can think ourselves in circles all day. My thoughts took me briefly to the constant struggle between the rich and poor today. One thing that I always think on this subject: Why should I be mad?

I am not dirt poor, but I have never been rich. I am definitely considered poor when talking in extreme circumstances but just to put it in perspective, I’ve never been hungry. I’ve also never had a car yet, but my clarinet costs as much as a used car. Average lower middle class I should say.

I feel when talking about being rich or being poor that poorer people seem to be kind of negative about rich people. It’s the same way vice versa. I do not see why it should be. Absolutely no one asked to be born into the situation that they find on their birthday. I can’t be angry at someone born with a silver spoon in their mouth because they asked for that no more than I asked to be black. I’m sure they may like their outcome as much as I love mine, maybe. We are the product of our community and how we are raised. Knowing this makes it hard for me to be angry at people anymore. I can feel sorry for them, but I feel no hate toward them. For example, a belief I have held for a while towards people who are racist is more sympathy than hate. I feel sorry for anyone who may have been raised to hate based on race, either way. I know black people who hate white and white who hate black. I even learned a few days ago from my grandmother that she did not want integration…

I wish more people could be a little more objective when viewing the world. I wish that everyone could realize that hate + hate= a whole fucking lot of hate! Love more than begins to cancel out hate. It seems so logical to me.

Tell me why we have to kill so many in war if we end up negotiating anyway when the blood bath gets too unbearable? To be a stronger country means to be able to watch more of your people die before you get your point across?

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Sorry about the long hiatus guys! I’ve been at my parents home a lot lately and though I gain the beautiful countryside I lose the fast internet connection. That dial up makes me lose it…

My little brother Kaleb and I

Most of my life I have been forced to fight for my integrity as a genuinely nice person. I believe it seems crazy for a lot of people to believe that someone who doesn’t know you can already know that they love you. I know many people think it’s a little coo-coo, but that’s how I am. I believe that we are all part of a much larger whole, and I love everyone and I’d do anything for you. Now though this makes me come off as naive, I am not. I know to guard myself against people who seem to be a threat though I do wish that I didn’t have to. I know that once someone has shown me who they really are that I must adjust my actions accordingly. No matter how many times you try to knock me down, or hurt me know that you still have me as a sister. I might be a slightly cranky sister depending on what you have done to me, but a sister none the less 😉

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When I woke up this afternoon I almost scolded myself once again for sleeping away most of my day. A quote that I recently stumbled upon has changed the way I treat myself, however. “If someone else treated you the way you treat yourself, would you still be friends?” I didn’t have to think long. Not at all. I do not allow anyone to treat me less than the way I believe I shold be treated and that is pretty good. I love jokes, but if you constantly put me down, even jokingly, that is a good way to get on a fast train out of my life. I, on the other hand, beat myself up for every sinlge mistake I make. I constantly feel like a failure for miniscule setbacks. I have decided to treat myself the way I treat everyone else.

I deserve the respect that I give everyone else. I tell everyone else, especially my students, that making a mistake is not just okay, but healthy…but when I make one I give myself the third degree. Or gave I should say because I have changed that in the past few weeks.

Anyway, On self discipline,,,

I had an argument with myself this morning. (this girl is crazy…) I thought, can I really love doing something if I have to force myself to do it? After thinking for a little bit, I realised that I can absolutely love something I have to force myself to do. Right now, the only thing I don’t have to force myself to do is sleep. I actually hate laying around too much. I did for about four days straight a while back, and let me tell ya, it hurts more than having a good workout four days in a row. Worse, I feel terrible because I’ve done nothing. So, I started to think about what having self discipline actually means. To discipline one’s self, one must direct one’s self on how to live and how to achieve whatever you want to achieve. So far, I have continued to hope things will fall into place as they always have. I think God has taken me as far as He is going to take me at this stage, and is now waiting for me to make my move…Time to move!

Peace and Love,

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Oh Life…

Today is my blog’s 1 month birthday and it makes me so proud :’-) My sense of self and my sense of the world has been strengthened more than I can even explain in words. Writing is such a good form of thearapy. When I write, the many thoughts whirling around in my head get a resting place. Once they are on paper, I can finally understand them instead of allow them to continually frustrate  me.

During this month I have also joined a new awesome community of writers who celebrate together and offer constructive criticism to move each other forward. I love when something I say is challenged, because nothing can actually be proven until it is challenged. I’ve also been able to improve my relationships with some of my friends and gain all of the confidence that I had temporarily lost through exploring my gift of writing and expressing. Learning something new is always fun and being part of something larger than yourself allows you to bring more meaning to your life. Thank you to all of my readers, I really wouldn’t have been able to keep writing to myself for too long. If you’re here to join me on my search, you’re in for a long ride 😉

Peace an Love

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The Survivor

So I’m gonna start doing writing prompts on Sunday to get some feedback on my creative writing…enjoy!

I stand. I stand day in and day out leaning on nothing but my will to live. I know that my mother earth will allow me to stay with her as long as she can. That’s more than I can say for those that used to stand around me. They stood proud, many more experienced and worn than I. One by one they were each taken from me and my mother earth to serve a new purpose to this world. I’ll never know whether or not that purpose is more valiant than the purpose that they were abruptly and strategically taken from by the wanderers wielding killing machines. I do know that from this spot that I have held for my entire life I saw them provide homes to generations and even a resting place for the wanderers who eventually took them down. I stand here unafraid doing my duty to the earth the best way I know how as the last of my kind.

Peace and Love everybody!

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So today I have been learning about google and top search keywords. Just to have a little fun and to possibly gain some new readers I am going to test my creativity by writing a story based on Google’s top 20 searches! Enjoy!

Everyone wants to know what’s going on with Ray Williams…he’s homeless and he lives in his car. Are you happy? Everyone seems to either want to see someone else down or is worried about him. Don’t worry about Ray. He is a grown man who can worry about himself. If you are happy to see him down: that’s fine too. Because when you’re down someone will be laughing at you. Ray has been there and done that, and whether he mad terrible financial decisions or not, that is not any of our business! I want people to love each other and laugh with and not at each other. If you’re really upset about his position, go out of your way to help him if you can. Take him with you to the prefontaine classic 2010 or get him a job if you are so inclined…Right now I feel like we should all be reflecting on ourselves and how far our great country has come in light of the fourth of July.

Local fireworks displays have already started here in Richmond, Va. They scare the crap out of me because most of the time these days I am so serene sitting around writing. I will not be at Kaboom town 2010 or Red hot and Boom 2010 this year, but that’s okay because I have something a lot better: My family. I think I’m going to end here because I am not as creative as I thought and I don’t want this post to be totally random 😉

Peace and Love everybody!

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